Your Baby In Public 101

Here’s the thing about babies: they don’t care about that many things. Food? Sure. Poop? Most definitely. Fashion? Doubtful. People love dressing up their babies. People also love getting compliments on their babies. “What a beautiful baby girl!” or “Such a handsome little fella!” Can babies actually be handsome?


{han – suh m}

adjective: having an attractive, well-proportioned, and imposing appearance suggestive of health and strength; good-looking.


I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but a baby being handsome seems so strange. “Wow this here baby is quite well-proportioned! Not to mention that imposing appearance!” Babies are also not strong. If we’re getting real here, we might as well acknowledge the fact that baby faces are cute, but essentially just dough balls mashed in certain places. They aren’t “good-looking” or “attractive.” They’re babies.

Nonetheless, people want compliments on their baby. That thing is theirs, and goddammit, people are going to appreciate it! Step one to getting complimented on your baby: have a cute one. This one is relatively easy but also out of your control so let’s move on to step two: dress your baby in some seriously stylin’ threads. Does your baby care that its overalls are pure velvet from H&M? No fucking way. They could be satin or they could be polyester, that baby’s going to shit in them either way. But let’s be honest, this isn’t about the baby, this is about you.

Step three: color coding. What was the first thing they told you when you got that fresh new baby? “It’s a boy!” Or perhaps “It’s a girl!” Studies* have unanimously shown that if you dress your baby in a way that lets everyone know what kind of private parts it has, compliments increase exponentially. Did they tell you your baby was a girl? Pink, purple, pale pink, pale purple, hot pink, hot purple(?) are now your baby’s go to colors. Skirts? Hell yes. Dresses? Fuck yeah! The point is your baby isn’t old enough or smart enough to decide what colors or kinds of clothing they do or don’t like so you are in control! Your baby has no idea what a skirt even is, but all adults do. They know that skirt means girl and your baby is a girl! You may not know it, but if people can’t tell the sex of your baby, they’re probably too nervous to compliment it. Mystery is intimidating and without knowing what your baby’s packing, how are they supposed to  adequately express that your baby is cute? They just can’t.

*just kidding, they don’t do studies like that because they have better things to do.

How are people going to tell you that your baby looks like “he’s gonna be a heartbreaker,” if you don’t dress that thing up in the bluest of blues?! Slap a ball on that tiny t-shirt. Football, basketball, baseball, soccer ball, just any kind of ball! People just know that sports are a dude thing. Your baby’s a dude! They can now approach. Compliments secured. Mission accomplished.

The bottom line is this baby is an opportunity. No one gives a shit about you. To be honest they probably don’t give that much of a shit about your baby either, but they will pretend to! It’s up to you to pave the way to new found baby glory. Godspeed.


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